Nothing is better than wasting my days on you
Knowing that some part of me will fade
as you become clearer
does not sting so much
I'm aware that you are a primary color
I know that you
do
not
mix
You've been dashing lines across me
for far too many fyears
and I'll give in
yes, this time -
I'll allow you to drench me
Rain my days with feathers
that can never be secondary
nail me to my pedestal
and maybe we'll sparkle
tonight
I'm on fire
and even though I know we'll burn out one day
(a regular flicker and die)
I still don't mind wasting the last of my days on you
Because I'd rather flicker - the last of the wick
than watch you all burn,
(and die)
as I'd sit alone
dreaming the one day I'll
burn out all this darkness
...but that's a lie
because I know that everyone lights each other
and that's at least one thing you've taught me
as your candle burns lower than mine.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I don't think I've critted your work before. I like the topic of this poem, and the way you get right into it in S1, which I think is quite strong. What doesn't work for me is the close, which somehow seems a little flat. As a reader, I think--hmmm, so why is this important? The candle-imagery and "flickering" seem a little over-poeticized after the frank opening, and a little too easy to end on, if you know what I mean.
I'm on board with emotion_less here as to why this scene is important to more than the poet. Admittedly, this is a particular hang-up of mine because I like my poems to have deeper meanings. Scenes just don't do it for me, so you can discount my comments appropriately.
This does come across as over-modified, especially the last line, which is practically screaming Poetic.
My advice would be to present an image or event here that the reader can connect with, something more than just painting a scene that comes to a seemingly arbitrary and Poetic end. Something fresher is necessary for this to become a poem that I'll read more than once.
I hope this advice is helpful. If not, please discard in the nearest waste despository.
I liked the beginning of the poem, but the rest of it kind of confuses me. Some of the lines and phrases seemed kind of empty, or maybe I just never saw the connections. The flow was pretty good and the phrases seemed pretty, even though the meaning loses me at some points.